Saturday`s Run

Arrived at the venue to a total clusterfuck. No one seems to know what`s going on with the busses to the runs. The numbers on the busses doesn`t match up with the program. I finally get on a bus that has AC. I don`t really care anymore where it goes. We drive out of the city for a few miles and pull over on the side of the road. OK this is it. They give us a bottle of water and point us into the jungle. I heard some one say "Hey Wanks" Its She Mussle Bitch. Where she came from I have no idea, as I didn`t see anyone I knew at the busses. She steps into the bushes for a pee and thats the last I see of her until the end. The trail is fairly easy but really muddy. All the Aussies are big weenies and go to extreme lengths not to get their shoes muddy. The trail has bamboo laid down in the muddy patches and creek crossings on large bamboo complete with handrails. It passes thru rubber trees and chest high ferns, eventually coming near the base of a large cliff. The medium trail splits off and goes up. I had enough of that in Penang so take the short trail, which stays low. Another 30 minutes of mud and creek take us back to the road for a 10 minute walk to the end.
The end is in some one`s front yard and is a zoo. There is a huge crowd trying to do circle. I rehydrate with some 100Plus and water and buy some sticky rice packed into a pitcher plant. I check out circle just in time to be called in for being American. There are only about 12 of us, 1/2 from Texas. We sing the Marine Hymn in honor of July 4th. The Dutch get called in for their World Cup victory,then anyone in Orange(Dutch colors),then SMB for her red hair. They are gettiing desperate. 5 o`clock rolls around and its back to the busses.I return to my hotel wet and muddy. The manager is at the front door making all the hashers remove their shoes before entering. Not a bad idea but my pants are covered in mud up to the knees.
After cleaning up and changing clothes I head back to the venue. After a delicious Indian buffet and a beer I am watching hash skits. 5 chicks from the Aloha hash do a nice Hula. Some young Indian giirls do a cute traditional dance then its time for the Hammersley skit. Several guys come out with golf clubs, followed by a sexy middle aged woman in g-string, garters and little else. She dances around seductively and the golfers leave the stage. Then a guy dressed as Tiger Woods comes out with a large black inflatable golf club sticking out of his pants. Several Hammersley hashers dressed in drag swarm around him. A sheet is brought out and he goes behind it with the stripper. After much simulated sex in sillouette, Tiger comes out, his club deflated. The moral of the story is the dick always comes out limp;the pussy always wins;Power to the pussy!
A commitee member rushes to the stage. Hammersley has offended the police! Any more nudity and we will be shut down. Way to go Hammersley! Fuck those Islamo-facists!
9:30 rolls around and I leave for more futball. After the game I am out looking for bars and run into Wookie from SA and the sherrif, A young Aussie. We are tired of all the bars filled with Aussies and go in search of something new. We are soon in a rock and roll bar where our entrance is cheered by a group of hot young women!? The bar is a joke. Sherrif gets a stiff mixed drink, Wookie orders a beer but can`t get anyone to take his money and I am aparrently invisible. The staff proceeds to ignore us. A chick asks me to buy her a drink. I tell her Shit, I can`t even buy one for myself. The band starts. They suck. I tell the guys there is a bar around the corner and leave to check it out. Its really fun and normal so I run back around the corner to get the guys. They are gone and a managers sees me and says "Hey you" I say "bye" and return to the other bar. I guess they never did collect for Wookies drink.

Friday Bonus

After the first game I went to check out some bars. I passed one with blareing disco music so I went in. It was really hopping, packed, with chicks dancing on the bar. Alright!. So I got a beer. After a few minutes I noticed the boys were abnormally cute. Yep! It was a gay bar. I thought you got executed for that here. The only other white guy there insists I get up and dance I decline several times but he is persistent so what the hell. I start dancing and he says " They love white guys here." Then he asks "Do you love Asian boys?" To which I reply " No, I like Asian girls" "Liar" He responds. To which I replied,"OK you got me. I like WHITE girls. That shoots hom down. I jad another beer anyway and then left for the late game

Hammersley

Friday`s run is with the notorious Hammersley men`s run. They are from Perth Australia. Enos is a member and I have met their former GM, Screwdriver also. They have taken over a hotel across the street from the start of yesterday`s run. Over 300 hashers are signed up and we all have yellow Hammersley t-shirts. Trail starts at 12:30 and follows a route similar to the RDR. We get to the waterfront and there is a beer check, complete with icings and singing. A hasher is sitting bare assed on the ice when a toothles beggar on crutches walks up to the ice. He gets up and the beggar points to his crotch and bursts out laughing. Its priceless! We loop around and finish in a grassy area between 2 apartment blocks. There` s an alter of ice set up and they start their legendary circle. They are crude and rowdy with lots of tits and bare asses. Their theme song is"Hammersley takes it up the ass,do-dah,do-dah" Unfortunately there is a large crowd and its hard to hear, as everyone is talking at once and the apartments amplify the sound. I give up and go inside the bar to eat our box lunch. Its an un appetising pile of noodles so I eat a little and go off in search of some real food.
At 7 I head to the venue for the opening ceremonies. Its about a 15 minute walk from my hotel and when I arrive there are swarms of hashers converging of the place.There is a stage set up in the parking lot and behind that are rows of tents set up for vendors and the beer and food service. There are some speeches and then some traditional cultural dances. We hashers love our culture! One of the dances is headhunters with blowguns. They are quite convincing and bring out a white guy blindfolded. They put him on his knees and pretend to chop off his head, holding up a fake head. Now thats entertainment! A terrible cover band comes on and at 9:30 I leave to watch futball,staying out again until 3.

Red Dress Run

I woke up Thursday morning feeling hammered. I ran into Whale`s Vagina freshly arrived and we went out partying with some other hashers until the wee hours. I get it together by 1 and head to the start of the RDR. I catch a cab with Buddha and his Chinese wife. He is a huge Aussie in an equally huge red dress made by his wife. The general rule of thumb for the RDR is the older and fatter the hasher, the skimpier and more outrageous the dress. Imagine Living Proof in corset and fishnets. OK. Don`t. Sorry. I am conservatively dressed in my red sarong fron Penang, red t-shirt and red bandana. 2000 hashers are assembled at a stadium that is the start.Some politician gives a welcome speech and just as he finishes a loud clatter on the roof announces the start of a huge tropical downpour. Within minutes there are inches of rain in the street and everyone is soaked. I have an umbrella but there`s so much water in the air its hopeless. The locals are cracking up as we troop by in our soaked dresses. Everyone is taking pictures of us, smiling and laughing. We make a 5k loop thru downtown and end at the venue. Hashers are spread out for over a mile. We go by a girls school and they squeal and scream at us like its aJason Bleiber concert. I feel like a rock star! The rain has stopped and we start to dry out.
Walking back to the hotel draws lots of smiles and stares and I`m happy to be out of my wet clothes.Thursday nite brings more futball and drinking. I now have a regular bar with cold beer and an outdoor screen set up to watch the games. The owners like me and I`m their new buddy. It`s a 3 minute stumble to my hotel .